As we near our leave date, I realized I should share with you WHY I am going to Honduras – what the real, genuine reasons are. For give the openness of this email, but I am opting for transparency over the standard “Christian” email. Consider this a mini-testimony. Forgive the openness, but I think maybe my story will resonate, and is a perfect example of how God will always show us grace and mercy, even through the worst storms of life. And to go and serve the Lenka people of Honduras is just one way God allows me to share His grace with others.
Why am I going to Honduras? In short, because God is good. Because God is everything. Because without God’s grace and protection, I wouldn’t be here to write this email. And I need to pass that on to others, and to show others how He loves me, and them. Honduras is not a vacation, an exotic locale, or a way to distract from anything. I go because God made it clear that He saved me, in part, SO that I can pass that compassion on to others. My life is a story of grace, and I want more than anything to share God’s grace with others.
This year has been the hardest one of my life. As some of you know, I was in Peachford Hospital in February. In short, I was close to suicide, felt more hopeless than I ever have, and was ready to end it. Being in Heaven with Jesus seemed a much better option than continuing life on earth. On February 13th, I woke up and decided to end my life. I had a plan, and was close to carrying it out. And the thought, as scary as it is, gave me peace. It did not scare me the way it should.
Due to God’s grace and a woman to whom I will always be grateful, the suicide attempt was thwarted, and I spent 3 1/2 days trying to get my head straight. I was surrounded by great friends, and parents who showed a lot of love, and began to get my life straight again. I didn’t sleep at my house for a month – no one thought it was safe to stay at home, so slept at family friends’ house until March.
After Peachford, I pulled out of going on this trip (had agreed to go in January), to take time for myself. I had pulled out of helping counsel students in Alpharetta as well – I avoided any situation that would cause any stress.
What led to the suicidal thoughts? A relationship that was very important to me fell apart; my job was making me miserable; and thoughts from my past were always consuming me.
I was saved at age 30. Prior to then, I was a severe drug addict. My alcohol and cocaine abuse were not “recreational.” I was on drug and drinking binges 3-4 times per week, with no money, no life, and barely hanging on to a job. At age 30, I had nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to, and addictions that were ravaging my body and mind.
When someone first shared the gospel with me in May 2006, I knew my life was in shambles. I knew without divine intervention, I was headed nowhere except jail or a hospital. Indeed, even an arrest by Atlanta City Police several months earlier wasn’t enough for me to change my ways. But I accepted Christ into my heart that Saturday afternoon.
My childhood was not a great one (not everyone’s is, I suppose). There were years of emotional abuse in my house. And being an only child, there was no place for me to escape. As I got older, I found drugs and drinking, and partied as a way to escape. At age 14, I was put into drug treatment for 30 days. It helped, but of course, without God, I tried to fix my problems MY way. As a result, every dating relationship was co-dependent, through college, and I wasn’t any better about making wise choices. I had no direction, and little guidance, and made about every sinful choice one could to numb the pain.
Fast forward to my 20s, where I found myself close to being a street addict, headed to jail or the grave. And finally, on that May day in 2006, I accepted Jesus into my heart. A year later, I walked through the doors of First Baptist Atlanta alone - I don't know a soul in the church, but knew I needed to find a church home. And through the teachings of Charles Stanley, and a community of folks who could teach me biblical truths about God's plan for us all, I began to grow.
Since the years I’ve been saved, life has often been harder, not easier. I found out I have a half sister, born before me, who was given up for adoption. She was in my life for 8 years, and we grew close – I helped her move from Chicago to Atlanta, and being an only child, was very happy to finally have a sibling.
In 2007 I was engaged. I felt that marriage would finally answer my problems, and that me, not God, could “fix” the ruins of my life. But my anger and depression surfaced, and the relationship withered.
In 2008, my half-sister effectively “divorced” our family. She told me and my parents she wanted nothing do with us anymore. The sense of rejection was so overwhelming I effectively had a nervous breakdown, and for many months, expected everyone close to me to leave.
In 2009 and 2010, I dated two wonderful women. However, in both cases, the relationships fell apart due to personal issues, non-compatibility, and, I now realize, God’s protection. But in both cases, the sense of despair about my life grew worse. I kept asking God WHEN he was going to bless me, and why He would allow me to get in situations I frankly wasn’t prepared for. There were countless hours in counseling, countless nights in prayer, and countless nights crying out to God when this life would be pain-free (not going to happen, I have learned!).
And finally, in February of this year, the despair grew so much that giving up seemed like a good option. When you’ve lived a life of drug addiction, alcoholism, other compulsions, lost a sibling, endured heavy emotional abuse, and made just about every bad choice one can make, life on earth becomes a heavy burden.
But God’s grace is amazing. Over the years since I was saved, He has put people in my life who have stood by me, prayed over me, stayed up countless nights with me in counsel, and put up with my mistakes to the point that I am still amazed they are around.
Over the past few years, God has also allowed me to serve Him by teaching English as a second language here in Atlanta, sent me Honduras, Mexico, and Ecuador, and even allowed me to meet and pray with my sponsored child, Renato, last year!
In the past year, He has moved me from First Baptist Atlanta to Buckhead Church, and put a community of people around me who love me, accept me, and aren’t afraid to tell me the truth. He has brought healing to my family, and I know that He restored a relationship with my father that I never thought could be healed.
I am grateful to have known and lost a sibling. The pain was almost unbearable, but God finally allowed me to close the door, metaphorically, and realize that He is sovereign, and has a purpose in all of our trials.
I am grateful to have had and lost several important relationships. I needed to see my own shortcomings up close, and am glad to have begun to let God work on me BEFORE marriage, not during. And I am grateful for the season I have to BE that better person, not just look for that better person.
And in the months since I left Peachford, I have realized I have an amazing community of friends who have stepped in, prayed with me, stood by me, and reminded me that I am loved. God’s acceptance of His children is truly a wonderful thing! Truly, friends are angels in street clothes…
So I go to Honduras because He is good. Because He will opt for dependence on Him over everything else. Because God’s love and protection was freely given to a man who didn’t deserve it.
And His grace IS free. Nothing I have ever done earned my way into God’s heart. He loved me two thousand years ago when He let his son die on the cross – for me, for you, and for the Lenka community in Honduras. My shortcomings, my bad choices, the traumas in my past are all pitfalls which should have killed me. And they almost did. But today, I can wake up saying “Thank you” to Him for everything He brought into my life, because I know He was watching out for me every day of my life.
Since leaving Peachford, I learned that I HAD to help the Honduras team. The Holy Spirit kept prompting me to go with them, to serve in some way. I knew, somehow, that I would never find peace unless I was willing to accept God’s plan for my life, and serve how HE wanted me to. So after a meeting with a team leader I am honored to serve with, I was allowed back onto the team. And that day, Greg shared with me he wasn’t surprised – he always felt I should be on the team. And for a guy who was out of the hospital less than 2 months prior, it was humbling. What did I have to offer the Lenka people? What could God do with ME?
To share His love, and to share His grace. And to pass His compassion on to others. As a night of worship recently reminded me, I cannot “keep quiet” about God’s grace any longer. And a week helping build a house for a pastor, and sharing bible stories with the Lenka people, and just encouraging them, is one small part of God’s plan I am grateful to be a part of.
My story, like yours, and be filled with disappointment and bad choices. But I am grateful to have seen God’s provision up close, to know that the countless nights (even recently) I stayed up crying, or in despair, or sadness, are beginning to be nights of peace. Because I have seen God’s love up close, and know that as I lean into Him, He is laying out my story much better than it started. But He does it SO I can pass it on to others.
Thank you for reading this. And thanks to each of you for being a part of my life, in one form or another. Your love reaches past me to Honduras, and whether you know it or not, has allowed God to place my feet back onto a path where life is starting to be peaceful. God is GOOD – thank you for letting me share that with others. And if we can help one person – if we can come together to make a difference in one person’s life next week, then it’s all worth it.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.”
--John 15; 16-17
“Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.
Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he satisfies the thirsty, and fills the hungry with good things.”
—Psalm 107; 2- 9
In Christ,
Jim Lulejian
First Baptist Atlanta Honduras Mission Team 2011
